Instead of feeling hurt about the state of my relationship with my dad this Father’s Day, I feel a slight nudge to extend grace to him. Maybe that is foolish because I don’t know what he holds in his heart towards me; I don’t know if grace is merited. But then again, perhaps that is precisely why I only feel grace, because I don’t know if or why an empathetic sentiment should be extended to him. Still, this day is marked with a new and hesitant inclination to give an inkling of grace to my dad this Father’s Day.
I choose to believe that before my dad abruptly left our family, he did love me and want to be in my life, but something continues to drive him to keep his distance:
Is it pride? Does he believe that I need to come to him before he comes to me?
Shame? His decision to abandon my mother, stop talking to his daughters, and avoid his grandchildren has reflected the very behaviors he admonished. “Don’t hurt the name” was the lesson he drilled into my sister and me as teens. Is he ashamed that he did more damage to his own reputation as a loving, caring husband and father than me, my mom, and my sister combined could have ever done to him? Is the shame of his hypocrisy too much for him to bear?
Contempt? Has he been stewing in anger towards me and/or the rest of the family he left behind for so long that he simply refuses to reach out?
Fear? Is he afraid of how I will respond if we talk? Could it be that he is afraid of how those in his life, the ones whose opinion of him he cares about, will respond? Is he anxious that I want something like money or other possessions from him?
Apathy? Maybe he just doesn’t care anymore?
I could continue constructing theories about where he is at emotionally regarding our relationship, but I believe lending too much time there would be time wasted. I know that if I want answers about what a person is thinking or feeling, more often than not, the best bet is to go straight to the source. I choose not to go straight to the source. The why behind his actions may not be clear, but the actions themselves are quite clear: changing an address, email, and phone number without offering notice or providing new contact information sends a clear message that he is not proactively opting-in to maintaining relationship with me, nor my mom, nor my sister, nor our families. At this time, I believe it is healthy and wise to abstain from forcing communication with those whose actions indicate they want to abstain from communicating with me.
In the spirt of doing my best to be both healthy and wise, I will instead acknowledge my growing sense of grace for my dad and lean into it, albeit ever so slightly, because may prove to be good for my own wellbeing and potentially for the possibility of a restored relationship between my father and me.
I believe the grace I feel stems from recognizing that through the years I have struggled with my own flaws, including a negative attitude towards my dad, but I still deeply appreciate that grace is extended to me so I, in turn, either naturally or intentionally attempt to bestow it onto others. On this Father’s Day, I will inch forward in allowing the seed of grace to grow.
Hello,
Extending grace to your dad tells me that you are a wonderfully strong and intelligent woman. It takes strength to extend an offer of forgiveness and reconciliation and shows who you really are as a human being. And if not for him, continue to do it for yourself. Your dad may not feel he is worthy of such compassion at this time. At least not yet.
I strongly believe that good men can make terrible mistakes. And when they do, it’s very difficult for them to make amends. Pride and shame are the keepers of their gate. The easier, less painful path, is to tuck it all away and not think about it.
It has taken eight years for my husband to accept my extension of grace and to trust in its sincerity. I did it mostly for me. It just felt like the best thing to do to heal myself.
I think there is something to that old saying “you always hurt the ones you love”.